


Bijū, gifts, and Madara! Oh my!

by FiresFromOurHearts



Series: The Overworked Hikaku Chronicles [5]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Courting Rituals, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Founding of Konoha, Gen, Madara is one whole idiot, Senju Hashirama loves his wife, The issue is that he has no brain cells, This is also known as that time Hikaku almost got a nap, Uchiha Hikaku vs paperwork, Uchiha Izuna Lives, Uchiha Madara Has Issues, Uzumaki Mito deserves a tag firstly, Uzumaki Mito is intelligent, and also Madara - Freeform, but she overestimates Madara's intelligence, the other issue is the courting gift
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:54:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28412727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiresFromOurHearts/pseuds/FiresFromOurHearts
Summary: Hikaku wants nothing to do with this. Unfortunately, Madara seems to disagree.Also known as that time Madara gets a courting gift, badgers Hikaku about it (who is the one to tell him that it's a courting gift) and who it could be from, and then Hikaku decides on a journey to check up on that biju sighting. He may or may not be running on little to no sleep. Future problems, right?
Relationships: Uchiha Hikaku & Nibi | Two-tails | Matatabi, Uchiha Hikaku & Uchiha Madara, Uchiha Izuna & Uchiha Madara, background Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Izuna, pre-slash Uchiha Madara/Senju Hashirama/Uzumaki Mito
Series: The Overworked Hikaku Chronicles [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2070147
Comments: 2
Kudos: 39
Collections: Genuary 2021





	Bijū, gifts, and Madara! Oh my!

Hikaku does sleep. At some point. He does! He swears it. But listen. If he wasn’t sleeping and _might_ have been at his actual office then. Well. No one can say anything. One person can, technically. But there’s few things Hikaku’s actually scared of and blackmail is a wonderful thing.

Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that Hikaku may or may not have been at his official office—there’s no proof!—sometime after midnight. And he _might have_ seen someone leave a gift for Madara on his desk.

There’s a perfectly good reason for Hikaku to be doing any of it. There’s the budget to figure out—like where the fuck is the money coming from? Do they even have a contract with the Daimyō?—and systems to explain to everyone else. They’re good systems. Great systems really, but they’re born of a genius mind and Hikaku has to explain it to normal ninjas. Not ninjas who shake the world with their steps.

Now, none of this would be a problem if Madara hadn’t caught on. Which. Well, if Hikaku maybe spent the night at the office. And if he was maybe pulling his third or forth (or fifth? He stopped counting after the second) all-nighter and fell asleep at his desk, then well. There is a chance in this universe that Madara maybe woke Hikaku up.

Not to say that any of this happened of course! Hikaku definitely went home and actually slept and you know, wasn’t spending all day at the office doing paperwork. Madara’s eyesight is probably just getting worse—and Hikaku makes a mental note to wander over to the hospital and see how the research into eyesight healing is going—and thought he saw Hikaku, when really he didn’t.

Whether or not Madara did or didn’t see Hikaku isn’t the question however. Once Madara has something in his head, he’s unlikely to let go of it. Like a dog with a bone. Or dry grass on fire—it only gets worse and harsher and hotter.

Hmm. The metaphor’s started getting away from Hikaku.

Okay so Madara sees him (maybe) at the office. And also finds a gift left anonymously overnight at his desk. And wrongly (correctly) assumes Hikaku to know who’s behind it. Which. If Hikaku _had_ been there overnight, probably isn’t wrong. Except Hikaku hadn’t been there! Maybe he just got to work super-duper early. You never know. It could happen! He’s not like Izuna who enjoys sleeping half the day away and then complaining he has no time for anything.

Hikaku has a reasonable sleeping schedule!

…

He does not have a reasonable sleeping schedule. But he sleeps! And there is a schedule! Sleep just sometimes falls off it. He’s sure it happens to everyone.

The problem is that Hikaku didn’t factor in ‘Madara hounding him’ onto his schedule for the day. And Madara’s hounding is unique because it _never lets up_. Izuna hounds by sticking with you and giving you glances every other minute to remind you to actually speak up. Madara just talks and talks and talks. It really just reminds Hikaku of how much he likes silence.

“You have to know,” Madara wheedles for like the eighth time in the last twenty minutes. It’s been four hours of this so far. Hikaku feels like he’s started going insane. There’s a twitch in his finger and Madara’s words are echoing in his head even when the shinobi doesn’t say anything and-

Well. It’s understandable, really, why Hikaku feels the need to slaughter his Clan Head with extreme prejudice. Really. Anyone in Hikaku’s position would probably do the same. Thankfully, Hikaku somehow continues to control himself and _does not_ put a kunai through Madara’s eye even though it might shut him up.

In one universe, definitely not this one, Hikaku may know exactly who placed the gift down on Madara’s desk. If Madara had more than a single brain cell, it’d be pretty obvious too. Unfortunately, today seems to be the day where Madara has either misplaced his brain cell or Izuna’s taken it. Considering Izuna is spending the day flailing around Tobirama and stumbling over his words, Hikaku’s assuming it’s been misplaced. Or dropped down a well. Or eaten by a plant monster. Anything’s possible after all.

And Hikaku may or may not be over the whole plant monster thing. It wasn’t even traumatic or anything. But—the _paperwork_.

“I just want to know who gave it to me!” Madara says and, behind him, a ninja passing by the door pauses, turning to face Hikaku. Then, in perfect unison with Madara, mouths, “I want to know why! Hikaku, surely you must know who and why? You’d help your favourite cousin out with this. Right?” The ninja gives Hikaku a cheeky salute and skips off.

Hikaku is torn between wanting to throttle them and trying to swallow his laughter because he doubts Madara would appreciate it. But. Really, it’s too funny. Madara’s been shouting long enough that others have picked up what he’s saying. He should come up with new material.

“Alright,” Hikaku says at long last, and Madara abandons his sentence like it’s a broken kunai. “I _might_ be able to help you out. But I want to have peace for the next two days if that happens.”

“Done,” Madara says before Hikaku’s even finished his sentence. He so should have asked for more. Maybe thrown in a vacation as well. He’ll have to remember that for next time.

“I’m not going to tell you who did it,” Hikaku says and, even as Madara opens his mouth to complain undoubtedly, he barrels forward, “as you should be able to figure that out if you actually thought about it like a ninja for one heartbeat.” That definitely sounds more angry and irritated than Hikaku intended. Serves Madara right to be honest. “The gift is a courting gift. _That_ is why it was given to you. Someone wants to date you. Romantically. Properly.”

Madara does not scream or screech or anything, surprisingly, but he goes bright red and Hikaku almost expects to see smoke coming out of his ears from how red he’s become. “I- You- What?”

“Figured it out yet?” Hikaku asks, glancing at the gift that Madara is still holding carefully like it’ll break under the slightest pressure. It won’t. Hikaku has his doubts it can even be burnt to ash with a normal flame, but he won’t mention that and he certainly won’t be testing it.

“No!” There’s the screech. Not as high-pitched as it could be. Unless Izuna can go higher? They’re siblings so it’d make sense if they had similar vocal ranges and-

Shit looks like Madara is about to start speaking again. Before he can, however, Hikaku starts speaking. “Think about it. Carefully. Who would create something like this?”

Madara holds the gift out in front of him like it’s a strange entity that might try to attack him. It probably won’t, but one can never be sure considering who created it.

The gift itself is a simple wooden box. There’s nothing indicating that it’s been nailed together and it looks like the wood simply grew like that which—massive indication who made it. The lid of the box has been artfully painted. It’s the sky with ‘Madara’ written in perfect calligraphy across the top. It’s a beautiful gift but the sword sheathe inside even more so. It’s something that’s been bought, made from leather, but the leather is decorated and there are seals running up and down it.

Hikaku is fairly certain everyone else knows who gave the gift. It’s not like their flirting with Madara has been subtle or anything either. Hashirama hangs around Madara as long as possible, is overly friendly and tactile with him even for Hashirama, and Mito has a habit of appearing for lunch or dragging both of them out for lunch with her.

“Surely you can tell me,” Madara says, tone a step above begging and-

No. Just- no. Hikaku is not dealing with this. “You really don’t know?” He asks. “You don’t know anyone who might be able to make such a thing?”

“No!” Madara says. “I wouldn’t be asking you if I did!” Then, he squints suspiciously. “Do you know people who could do this? Are they your friends?”

What if Hikaku just spontaneously combusts? It’s an honest question. Would it get him out of this or would Madara continue asking his questions?

Madara isn’t dumb. He’s the Clan Head. The strongest Uchiha. He’s heralded as one of the two strongest in their entire generation. A once in a lifetime kind of ninja.

And his best friend _can shape wood_ and he has no idea who could have made a wooden gift. Not to mention there are seals on the sword sheathe and he has no idea who did it. Even though his best friend’s wife uses seals.

Mito totally should’ve taken a more obvious path than leaving an anonymous gift on Madara’s desk. It might work better.

Maybe it’s time Hikaku plays up the whole sleeping thing. Will it work though? He’s not normally forgetful or so unobservant or anything but. But Madara is being dumb and maybe being just as dumb will even out the scales and Madara will leave Hikaku to curl up in a ball or cry. Something relaxing. Something that doesn’t have to do with paperwork.

In the back of his mind, something itches. He’s certain he had something important he was meant to do a few weeks ago… What could it be?

“Why don’t you ask Izuna?” Hikaku says. “You know what he’s like. He knows all the gossip. Knows who likes who. He’ll definitely be able to tell you! And even if he doesn’t know, surely together you’ll be able to figure it out!”

Madara is nodding. Slowly. Like everything Hikaku said was a good idea and not complete rubbish. “You make a good point,” Madara says, then he smiles. “I’ll go find my brother. Thank you Hikaku!” Then he’s gone, gift held close to his chest, and-

Well. That’s. Madara might be a smart ninja but he’s clearly hopeless at relationships. He doesn’t even know his brother’s dating Tobirama. And Izuna certainly has no idea about Hashirama and Mito courting his brother even though he’s seen them flirt in front of him. Honestly, that family is a mess.

But they’re family.

That does not, however, mean Hikaku will partake in their ridiculous relationships and watch how the whole mess unfolds. In fact, he’s sure he can do something else instead. Anything else. He wants to avoid the outcome of this whole thing—both Madara realising it’s Hashirama and Mito and also that his brother is dating Tobirama—enough that he might even just take his paperwork with him on a mission and come back late to complete it again.

Wait. Fuck.

“The bijū,” he says to himself, only slightly horrified by the fact he’d forgotten. With all the work from dealing with the village and creating systems and writing treaty after treaty and figuring out how peace works… Well, Hikaku may have forgotten about the bijū sighting. Just a little bit. Or you know, completely. But it’s all good! The village hasn’t been knocked down by a rampaging monster made of chakra and no one’s mentioned it on any mission, not that there have been many and-

Hikaku should definitely go look into that. Although, if the bijū was nearby, Tobirama likely would have mentioned it. But…

The Uchiha who’d seen it reported the creature to be near the mass of natural chakra that has been documented to cause problems with sensing. Bijū chakra often blends in with natural chakra. Or maybe it is natural chakra but a condensed form of it.

Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter. If there’s a chance that this bijū is—not hiding, but not flaunting its location—near that natural chakra reservoir, then Hikaku can probably check it out. He won’t even do anything. Just go and check if it’s there. No one even needs to know. He can claim he’s just going to do some training and he’ll be back shortly!

And Madara did give him like two days off. Originally, he’d planned to spend most of that time sleeping. Checking if a bijū is near their brand new village, however, seems like a much better idea. And also probably necessary.

Hikaku should’ve mentioned this to someone earlier. But, oh well, it’s been a busy few days. Or weeks? What is time anyway? They should get rid of the whole time concept and consider everything in paperwork. Hikaku could get behind that.

Anyway. The bijū. Monster of chakra. Creature of legends. Possibly sleeping—do bijū sleep?—nearby. Right. Hikaku orders his paperwork. Actually locks the window shut so no one comes through and the wind decides it wants to rearrange his paperwork because if that happens, he might cry. Actual tears. It’ll be awful and he’ll be inconsolable and no one wants that. _No one_.

He shuts the door behind him, locking it with a twist of chakra that the seal uses to ensure the door remains shut unless someone with more authority and power uses their chakra as a key. Hikaku isn’t entirely sure how it works—it’s Tobirama and Mito’s doing—but it is _neat_.

For a moment, he considers heading home and restocking his weapons. But he’s not going to fight the creature. That’d be stupid. That’s like… like a Madara or Izuna plan. Hikaku would never do that. He’s doing reconnaissance. He just needs to be in and out quickly. And if there’s nothing there, all the better.

There’s a weak wall that Hikaku heads over. Technically, there’s a gate. Or will be a gate. It’s just empty space at the moment. There’s usually a ninja there acting as guard, but the gate is being constructed properly so that it can be strengthened and not just by Hashirama.

At the very least, Hikaku leaves without anyone noticing him gone. As long as he isn’t gone too long, it’ll be fine. Worse case scenario, Izuna or Madara or one of the Senjus opens his office and finds a note about what he’s gone looking for and how long he’ll be out for. He’s sure they’ll shout at him when he comes home. But that’s a future problem.

It’s a three-hour run to the natural chakra reservoir. He could probably halve that time if he really pushed himself, but there’s no reason to do that. Not to mention, the whole point is to get there without being exhausted so he can escape if needs be.

Hopefully he will not need to.

Fuck. He’s jinxed himself, hasn’t he? He hasn’t done that in years. Usually it’s Izuna or Madara doing it, not him. That’s. Well.

Maybe he hasn’t? Though, considering his luck it’s unlikely to happen. Or has all his bad luck been used up by Madara’s crisis of romance and courting? Sounds like a nightmarish dream.

Hikaku runs.

The day is reasonably warm, but the wind that slips through the trees is cold enough that Hikaku doesn’t overheat. He does, however, feel comfortable enough to leap from tree to tree. It’s relatively easy to trace a path towards the natural chakra reservoir. Not because he can sense it or anything, but because it’s well known in Hi no Kuni. Chakra goes… weird there. It works, but things happen strangely. Sometimes it seems like too little chakra has been used or too much chakra has been used. For the most part, the Uchiha Clan has avoided it. The war mainly avoided there too.

If Hikaku remembers correctly, there’d been a fight there once. Between… He can’t recall who it’d been between, but the outcome had led to the Clan Heads at the time declaring that all fighting would avoid that area. It’s limbo. Not because it’s super dangerous, but because things go weird there.

Apparently, a civilian village has been built on the edges. The people there are strange.

Hikaku avoids the village.

He’d been there once, long ago, and more by accident than anything else. He’d gotten injured and had been seeking aid from people he could kind of trust. The civilian village is known for its neutrality, among other things, and he’d received the medical help he’d needed. But the people there had been kind, for no reason. They’d pushed items onto him, food and medicine and other things. They’d also shared story after story. Information isn’t shared that readily, nor resources, not in this world.

 _Strange_.

After steering wide around the village, he heads towards the centre of the reservoir, certain that the bijū will be there—if it’s there at all. If he’s lucky, it won’t be. There’s meant to be a lake in the middle. Something big and deep and startling clear—and deep. The edges are clear but the middle is dark and it seems like you’re just looking into an abyss.

Water’s not really what the Uchiha are all about but abysses full of water that have no end? Those things are horrifying and Hikaku would love to never explore one.

Since this is just a reconnaissance self-assigned mission, however, Hikaku can just stick to the shore of the lake and not go further.

Listen, the abyss is creepy and horrifying enough that he’s certain Tobirama—renowned water ninjutsu specialist that he is—probably wouldn’t go into the lake. Some things are not made to be explored by humankind and this is clearly one of them. Hikaku is happy to keep things that way.

The forest grows thick closer to the lake. Hikaku is forced upwards, climbing to the tops of the trees rather than staying lower in the branches. It’d been getting too tough to force his way through the never-ending leaves. Thankfully, these branches only dip beneath his weight but don’t give in or even creak warningly.

Maybe the trees have been affected by the natural chakra as well? Which—does natural chakra even effect the environment? It’s such an interesting idea. What effects does it have? Does it explain the strangeness in the people or its effects limited to plants and things that grow from the dirt? Does eating those plants have an effect?

These questions, though, are not for Hikaku to solve. He has no idea how to go about it, and he’s more curious in the answers rather than discovering such things himself. Maybe he can shove the idea Tobirama’s way? Probably by using Izuna to do it. Hmm…

The forest ends without warning and Hikaku flips, landing in a crouch by the base of a large tree. Ahead, the lake lies, a clear blue that gets darker the further out it goes. What really gets Hikaku’s attention, however, is the creature in the middle. And-

Yeah. That’s a bijū alright.

It looks like a cat. A large cat. Like a cat that decided it was going to be the biggest thing in the world and then somehow got bigger. Now you’ve got an inkling of the size. It’s also blue. That’s. That’s probably the most surprising thing about it. It’s massive but there are stories about the size of bijū. At least Hikaku had expected that. The colour… not so much. There are black markings covering its body too, though Hikaku can’t tell if they’re meaningful or anything. And when he squints, they seem to shift. It’s. Weird.

Bijū are weird. Why did he come here again?

Right. To check if there was a threat to the village. Well, threat discovered he can go home now and pass the information on.

Before he can even turn around, however, a large eye pins him. And. There’s danger there. Not like anything promising danger or any such thing—but there’s curiosity and curiosity in a creature that could kill you without a thought is not often good news.

“Oh?” It says, flicking its tail. “What have we here?”

It’d be rude to just run. Probably. Hikaku would like to. But that might be a stupid action. Those who run are often seen as prey and that’s- not what Hikaku wants, to say the least. Mainly he wants to stay alive and the odds are suddenly looking very slim.

“I’m Uchiha Hikaku,” he says with a slight bow. Something he’d give an equal. They’re not equals, definitely not, but if Hikaku can keep up the façade of equals, he thinks things might go alright. Or, at least, he might not be killed immediately and that’s always a bonus.

Thankfully, the bijū looks mildly entertained by his introduction. It lowers its great head to its paws in the shallows of the lake, and says, “I am Matatabi, Uchiha Hikaku.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Hikaku says because what else do you say? Politeness is the way to go. Because the other way might be straight down the creature’s throat which. Not a good time.

“Indeed,” Matatabi says with a pleased expression. Hikaku’s not quite sure how she’s managing to looks so pleased when she’s a cat. Maybe it’s a bijū thing? “Why are you here, Uchiha Hikaku?”

“Well,” Hikaku says slowly, trying to figure out the best way to say ‘someone thought they saw a threat and I figured I’d check it out’ because that might not be the best way to explain why he’s here. “One of my clanmates said they saw a bijū heading in this direction, and I thought I might check whether the report is true.”

Matatabi’s ears flick, turning slightly, and her eyes seem to narrow and focus on Hikaku. It feels like standing underneath a weight and doing his best to not tremble and fall over. And, only now, does he realise the silence surrounding them. Not a gust of wind stirs the leaves and not a single bird calls. Everything is silent but them. “And what will you do now?” Matatabi asks and that— _that_ is a tone full of danger. A threat without saying the words.

“Tell everyone to steer clear of here,” Hikaku says. After all, fighting a bijū is an idiotic approach and especially when their village is so new and Hikaku doesn’t particularly want to die. He rather likes living, paperwork and all.

The bijū hums and the ground shakes with the vibrations. Hikaku steadies his stance and glances at the bijū with wide eyes. She stands and blue fire begins to rove across her fur, dancing. It’s beautiful. Completely scary and Hikaku might actually die. But beautiful nonetheless.

“Very well, Uchiha Hikaku,” Matatabi says. “I am curious about this village of yours. One day I will come to your village and see it with my own eyes. But, for now, I will refrain from attacking anyone unless they attack me first.”

“Thank you,” Hikaku says weakly. Because how do you tell a bijū that they can’t come to a village full of humans? That… That’s a future Hikaku problem. Maybe he’ll just tell the others and they can deal with it.

“I look forward to it,” Matatabi announces and, wow, way to make Hikaku feel like a bad guy. He’s actually got to figure out a way to keep Matatabi safe when she comes now. Before he can say another word, however, the bijū is gone, leaping over the forest in one massive bound and Hikaku is now alone.

The lake somehow remain just as terrifying as it had been before, abyss and all. “You know what,” he tells it. “Somehow this is still better than dealing with Madara and his gift.” It’s true too. This had been something interesting and not the same repeated questions and aside from Hikaku’s own… possibly not-great decisions, there had been no idiots involved.

How do you not realise who the gift is from when the evidence is almost write in front of your face? Madara will never cease to amaze Hikaku.

Still, the world beyond the forest awaits and Hikaku can’t say he’s unhappy at the thought of going home. Honestly, his bed sounds like a great idea right about now. It’s calling him.

Hikaku turns and heads back home.

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to say I'm living for everyone's comments and I will get around to responding to them at some point. But first, I'm just going to love seeing them and live off that joy for a while, and also I need to get the spoons to respond as well so give me a few days and I'll get there. ALSO, everyone commenting about how much Hikaku needs a break? I see you and, as I said to Silver, this series is just me showing you humour and then slapping you with self-care at the end. Things will get better for Hikaku. After this, we actually start the proper arc of "Hikaku gets a nap", which may or may not be slightly forced.
> 
> Anyway! Moving on.
> 
> This one is funny and I hope you enjoyed the humour. The next one... kinda drops the humour a little bit. 
> 
> I love the casual random ninja standing behind Madara and just doing exactly what he does. The normal ninjas all love Hikaku because he's easy to get along with and also just like them. 
> 
> If you think Hikaku is being an idiot by going to check if there's a biju running around nearby, you'd be right. The answer is sleep deprivation. He needs a long nap. Such a long nap. 
> 
> If you were wondering, yes, I totally saw the massive post about abysses and deep water before writing this. I can't remember who showed that on my server but it was there. I have a feeling it was Silver, which means Silver once again had an impact on one of these fics. I think that means she's had an influence over every one posted so far. Silver, care to confirm? 
> 
> That's all I really have to say (and I've just realised I have to figure out titles for the rest of Hikaku's stories from here on out which. Rude) so that's me out for now. Take care of yourselves! Have a snack, a drink, a break. Stretch, take a nap, and so on. I'll see you with another story tomorrow. 
> 
> ...
> 
> Probably don't expect to have that much humour.


End file.
